The age old question, why me?

So here I am, laying alone after having an amazing weekend at TwitchCon 2019, depressed and angry. Angry with myself, life, the things I see and the things I really can’t do shit about.

What should I be angry about? I’m just angry at the fact that I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life on love. I’ve made so many attempts in my lifetime to find someone to love only for it to turn out for the worst for me.

It’s not my place to tell someone I’ve dedicated my life to, to remain unhappy until I can be happy. However, it always seems like, once I’m out of their lives, they go on to live happily ever after.

Some people say that life’s greatest lessons are learned through pain, yet it doesn’t seem like I’ve learned a damn thing. Instead, it’s from me that others have learned from to be happy.

Yes, I admit that I was the one who broke off my last relationship. Mentally and emotionally for me, it just wasn’t good for me. In the end she realized that she was constantly hurting me. Now though everything is just peachy for her and here I am, sad, angry and alone again.

Whether she learned from what she was doing to me or not, I’m still here pissed at the world that I live in.

They say that everyone deserves to be happy, but I’m barely really ever happy anymore. It’s far to hard to be. Others say that you have to learn to love yourself before loving another. I’m not even sure if I can anymore. I’m such a failure to be honest that I don’t think there’s much left to love.

When we lose the option for choice

We are living in a world where there is no such thing as too much excess. Right now I am typing into a Word document in the comfort of my own bed with a Bluetooth keyboard on to my tablet which is being held by a stand mounted to the side of my bed. I should mention that I have a perfectly well made gaming laptop sitting in my backpack in the living room. In fact, I probably should be writing this from my desktop. It with it’s dual screen setup, mechanical keyboard, 2.1 surround sound with Spotify playing my favorite Chill Hop playlist, but no, today I want to write this from my bed.
This is where I am in the world. I am allowed these simple pleasures because it is what I have setup for myself. To have these items, these situations of excess. It is not because I needed them. I do not need to have a tablet, a laptop, a desktop, a cell phone, smart speakers to turn on or off the lights in my home. All these things I have because I wanted them. I choose to have these things.
I am not alone in this world of excess. It is what our modern society is currently built on. To start with, an excess of information. This information that we have is what has been bothering me as of late. We have billions of people, human beings on this one tiny speck of dust in the universe. We have all of the world’s knowledge at the whim of a couple of keystrokes, a few taps on a cell phone and yet we are divided knowledge. Knowledge that could write a new history. Knowledge to learn from past mistakes. Knowledge on where we have come from. Knowledge on what it could look like to live in a world with peace, albeit fantasy. Knowledge that could save lives. All of this knowledge at our fingertips and yet we are still at a disadvantage.
You see, with all of this knowledge, we are allowed the ability of choice. Choice is something I myself having grown up in a democracy has afforded me freedoms others around the world might not get. I’m allowed to have my own thoughts, choices, feelings, and opinions on and of the world around me. These freedoms is what has allowed me to live in what some might call “excess”. No matter what you might call it though, humans have had a lot of choice in the state of the world.
This has lead me to ask the question though, at what point do we lose the option for a “Choice”? I’m not saying this in a way to undermine democracy. Far from it. I am saying this from the point in which our existence is doomed.
Humans have a choice in the debate on whether or not they believe Global Warming or Climate Change is real. For those who believe have other choices, whether to do something about it or continue on with the way things are. Those in the latter may choose the idea of, “What do I care? I won’t be around for when it gets worse.”
Those who do not believe in it have a choice as well. To continue to live out their days like nothing is going to happen. To just continue on like the earth is going to be here forever for everyone.
I believe George Carlin said it best, “There is nothing wrong with the planet. The people are F*&%ed. Compared to the people, the planet has been here for [billions] years … The planet has been through a lot worse than us for a long time. It’s been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics…” and on and on he goes. Basically though at the root of his skit he is saying that the human race is not a threat to the planet. Long after we are gone, earth will still be here.
Bringing me back to my question, at what point do we lose the option of choice? I hope that it’s obvious that I’m writing this from the point of view that Climate Change is absolutely real. Our world is in very real danger of coming to an end. With the current status of things, I am at point thinking that I might not even make it to the age of 100 if given the chance. Will there be much left of choice at around the age of 60 or 70? What does that say about the generation coming after us. Will they be forced to suffer because of our negligence?
For decades, fantasy sci-fi novels have written about machines and AI taking over the human race because we are incapable taking care of ourselves or doing what is write for our species. It’s a matter of losing choice by our own doing. Man builds machines. Machines assist man. Machines take over for man. In this scenario, what I’m saying is that our planet may take away our excess. Our choice to live the way we do. Soon we may lose our choice to ignore the way we are destroying our survivable environment.
Lately there has been a lot of news about the fires in the Amazon and how it is because business has come in and set fire to it all for cattle. In response, many celebrities have decided that they will no longer partake in the consumption of beef. These few celebrities may have some influence on a small part of society but so long as the business is around, the cattle will still roam. The cow farts will still pollute the atmosphere. So long as we have a need to get to work, we’ll still be driving our cars. So long as the planet remains to be getting warmer and warmer, so to does our consumption of energy to help us remain in a comfortable AC habitat. Throwing that all together, at some point we will all lose the ability to choose to do these things.
At what point should the conversation become about taking away one’s choice? It’s absolutely a crazy thought, but something to consider. It is in fact extremely difficult to even think about as well. How do you take away the ability of choice from mankind? Do we begin by allowing certain choices but not everything? When it comes to the environment, do we just remove the choice to do anything that is bad for the environment? No more driving. No more burning fossil fuels. At what point do we need to make the human race realize that if we don’t do something, we’re all doomed. It won’t happen until we’re all doomed.
I guess I’ll just enjoy my excess while I still got it.

Where is home now?

For a guy who has grown up in what can be considered a far away land. That land being in the middle of the ocean, I often find myself questioning why I left that place. Why would I leave some place so special? A place where love, life, family, and belonging are so prevalent to me. I began really questioning it recently after going back home to visit in July.

This time around though, I was not alone on my visit home. It was an interesting experience taking someone to my island home. This person had never been to Hawaii and, like most of the people here on the mainland, only know of the stories they were told. Stories of it’s beauty, it’s people, and it’s culture. We have so much to offer the world in the ways of living. It’s beauty can empower those to make serious changes to their lifestyle. Some could even find peace for once in their lives.

It was obvious by the smiles on both her face and of her daughter’s face that they loved Hawaii. From the swimming everyday in the ocean, to the many sights, shopping, and of course the fantastic food we have spread across all of the islands. When we got back, she told me that she had never seen a rainbow more full in her life. Even if she didn’t say it, I know that she fell in love with my home. Arguably, it is really hard not to fall in love with Hawaii.

I still get asked why I would leave a place with so much Aloha. So much Mana. The truth of it is the price of living in paradise. When I left Hawaii, we were living in a 524 sq/ft apartment for $1000 a month back in 2011. Today, the same place is going for around $1400. With everything else being expensive already in Hawaii it wasn’t easy to stay afloat with the ever rising costs. So when the opportunity came to work in the mainland, I took it. At the start of 2020 it’ll be eight long years since I made that decision.

A lot has changed since I left and a part of me feels like I have been a contributor to those costs. A bill has been passed in Hawaii called Bill 89 CD2. This bill is to help regulate the ever growing popularity of Short-Term leasing by websites/apps like AirBnb and Expedia.

According to the Bill, it’s purpose is to better regulate the use of homes for less than 30 days. While the Bill was being purposed, many thought of it as a way to save their neighborhoods from the random people showing up and ruining the area. I can understand this from the stories I’ve heard about people leaving an AirBnB unit in complete chaos.

On the other side of the issue is the real reason why I feel like a contributor to the Bill being passed is the amount of rentals available on the islands. A lot of good homes and residential apartment builds had been converted into Bed and Breakfast units due to the popularity of these sites. A home owner who has a space to rent could easily double or even triple their profits from a vacation rental instead of yearly lease from a resident.

I haven’t used the sites AirBnB or Expedia to book my stays in Hawaii but instead I have used a site called VRBO as it was the first I had heard of to offer these types of services. A big reason is that when I go home, I don’t want to be reminded that Hawaii is a tourist destination. It’s a feeling you can’t shake when you stay at a hotel in the islands. Instead I try to look for a condo or house to rent while I’m there. It just feels more like home when I do. There is a stipulation to the Bill that allows for vacation rentals to remain in areas where it is permitted. Namely those places with all of the hotels.

As of right now, I really don’t know what to think. Considering that there will be less units available to rent from for a short-term lease, those prices are sure to rise. I guess time will tell on what’s to come of the B&B market in Hawaii.

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